Happy Hollandaise

A few rules as you approach the buffet this year:

1. Just eat.  Don't hurt yourself, but the holidays are not a time to be watching your weight, or counting your calories.  Enjoy the season for what it is: family, food and fun.

2. That world-famous pie/cookie/tart/etc. probably isn't going to taste like that forever; eventually your aunt will stop making it, and you'll be toast.  So eat as much as you can and savor the flavor.

3. Lamb is for Easter, beef is for Christmas.  And New Year's.  And about 349 other days a year.

4. Enjoy the Hollandaise... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollandaise_sauce

Thanksgiving, the ultimate buffet

So, I was hoping to write this before Thanksgiving, so you would have a chance to build your approach to the ultimate buffet ever: Thanksgiving dinner. If your Thanksgiving dinner is anything like my family's, it starts around 3:00 and ends when you pass out. Turkey is not really even the centerpiece, though you have the obligatory serving for tradition's sake.

This year, I ended up with two Thanksgivings, a brunch with my immediate family, and a dinner with my extended family. Both were remarkable spreads, and both required some thought... and both left me stuffed like a Tur-duck-en.

In the end, I'll confess I didn't really learn anything new about my buffet technique, or about my palatte, but I did reflect on the 3 F's that make Thanksgiving so special: Family, Food and Football (yes, in that order).

Happy Thanksgiving, from my stomach to yours.

"The People's Cheese"

I was recently part of a spirited debate on the following topic: "Agree or disagree: cream cheese really is the people's cheese." There were so many fine points, that even though this blog is about buffets, I had to re-live them here. The non-winners posted below:

• Nacho cheese: accessible, but ethnic - and some prefer their cheeses to be in solid form
• Roquefort: For the bourgeois only - doesn't even belong in the discussion
• American: With only 300+ million out of the 6 billion people worldwide, this is hardly universal
• Parmasean: isn't pasta universal?
• Mozzarella: one of few cheeses that goes well with meat (chicken parmasean anyone?), and on pizzas and TGI Friday's (in stick form) worldwide
• Marscapone: one of few cheeses that goes well with almost anything sweet, but a little exotic
• Cream cheese: works well for breakfast and dessert, but very limited in between
• EZ cheese: highest marks in the convenience factor, lowest in nutrition; also, may not actually be "cheese", so we can't count it

And the winner is: Kraft Mac 'n Cheese cheese. Why? Here was the winning submission, verbatim:

"We've left out the famous Kraft Mac 'n Cheese cheese. This nameless wonder is truly the people's cheese - sold in every local Mom and Pop store (read: Walmart) in America. It's as healthy as the average american, and probably made right here in China!"

Priceless. I think "healthy as the average american" was the clincher for me.

And if you don't think that's "global" enough, how's this for global: "Local Kraft managers say the plant makes so much macaroni and cheese in a year that if they lined up all the boxes, end to end, the line would wrap around the world 2.4 times." (from: http://www.news-gazette.com/special/cfcu/ind/kraft.cfm)

The Clam Bake

This was my first experience with a Clam Bake. It was an interesting trip.

Here's how the menu broke down:

1. Raw bar with clams, shrimp & oysters
2. Butlered fried shrimp
3. Hamburgers, hot dogs, lobster, salads (raw bar closed)
4. Dessert

I asked a server what we were having, and she gave me the line-up. Then I had a small choice in front of me: this was a clam bake (though none of the clams ended up being baked...), so it was seafood oriented. Should I plan for hamburger/hot dogs, allowing me seafood and Americana variety across the night, or should I go all seafood? How do you NOT have lobster? Given the fact that you spent the first part of the night eating seafood, are the lobster and hamburger/HD mutually exclusive?

These are all good questions, and to be honest, I normally have an answer for them. In this particular case, I used the brute force algorithm: eat it all.

The final tally looked something like this:

• A dozen shrimp
• 1 oyster (hate them, but was caught up in the spirit)
• 3 clams
• 1 basket fried shrimp
• 2 hamburgers
• 1 foot long hot dog (no bun... I'm watching my figure)
• 2 lobsters (no idea on weight; each was about 12-14" long)
• 2 servings of salad
• Dessert

I then slipped into a food coma and woke up 2 days later... hungry.

The Salad Bar

Recently, a friend asked me this question: "I also have a question on your salad bar entry. Specifically, how do dressing issues (described below) affect your plate. The issues, as I see them, are as follows: 1) I'd like to avoid dressing spilling onto non-salad items (e.g., breadstick / roll), 2) I want to make sure I can adequately mix the dressing into the salad. If I pile the plate with too much grub, when I mix the salad, it spills over the plate. And that, my friend, is a no-no."

So, I've given this a lot of thought. Personally, I like to make salad a separate course, many times going "European" and eating it last. Mmmm.....

But I can see how, for the purposes of this blog offering "expert" advice, that's a cop out. So, I'm going to get more aggressive and offer other solutions.

First, on Quantity: I've just recently learned that salads have MUCH LESS lettuce than you think they do. Especially when they have lots of other great stuff like garbanzo beans, red peppers, water chestnuts, asparagus, etc. (stuff you're not going to make at home). So, take about half the lettuce/base green you think you want. This applies at home too, but when you're at an all you can eat buffet, you're more likely to go heavier on the lettuce/spinach/etc. than you really need to to get a good balanced salad. This alone should aleviate you of the problem of having stuff fall over the edge.

And, you need to remember, this is a buffet, time is on your side. You don't need to have just one salad with everything possible in it. If you're going for an all-salad meal, do it in stages. Pick 2 dressings you like, then go after two different salads (fresh plates in between). This will get you the protein to be a big strong boy, and still save your lap from a salad avalanche when you try to toss that monstrosity you brought back to the table.

On Operation Dressing:

1. The Barrier method: This essentially puts your salad and dressing on one side of the plate, and your other food at the other. Take a breadstick, a piece of meat that goes well with the dressing you chose, or a whole piece of vegetable (e.g. carrot or celery stick) and make a small barrier to the dressing.

UPSIDE: this puts all your courses on one plate

DOWNSIDE: honestly, probably not very effective unless you have mashed potatoes as your barrier

2. The Bullseye method: Put the salad and dressing in the middle of your plate (counterintuitive?) and surround it with the other food. Most plates have a slope toward the center of the dish, which will mean the dressing naturally seeps down toward the center.

UPSIDE: Eating from the middle of the plate out allows the traditional Salad-first approach to eating and saves your other food from contamination

UPSIDE 2: Eating from the outside in allows for you to finish the rest of your meal, then have all the room in the world to toss the salad

DOWNSIDE: Eating from the outside in puts the salad last (I personally see this as an upside, but not all do)

3. The Mixed method: Now, this is not a pure "well, it all goes to the same place" philosophy (seriously, you're on this blog, you don't really believe that, do you?). Instead, look at this as an opportunity to enjoy your own creation, where you add some additional components to your salad in order to enjoy them all at once; purposefully getting dressing/sauce on everything and mixing flavors.

UPSIDE: Very tasty, new creations abound!

DOWNSIDE: Need to be careful about what you put in there so it all meshes well... a little "inner chef" required.

Advanced technique: 2 plates, 1 hand. Salad on one, entree on the other, silverware in the pocket. I've done it. Try it with paper first (and outside). Trick is to create separation so the contents of the bottom plate don't end up on the bottom of the top plate.

Booze and Buffet

Ok, so summer cookouts are not only a challenge for the buffet, but they typically involve the extra twist of alcohol.  Let's look at this 3 ways:

1. Pairings*: 

Appetizers/finger food - beer

Pastas/salads - nothing

Meat - beer

Dessert - haven't you learned that if you do it right, there's no room for dessert?!

1a. Alternate pairings*:

Appetizers/finger food - liquor

Pastas/salads - liquor

Meat - beer (remember, "Liquor before Beer, in the clear")

Dessert - ibid

2. If you're looking to get drunk (and you're not driving):

Beer

Appetizers/finger food

Beer

Pastas/salads

Beer

Meat, with beer

Dessert - uh...

The idea here is that by drinking beer throughout, you'll end up eating less, which will do less to sober you up.  WARNING: this approach will end up in less food consumed... you just need to be ok with that.

3. If you're NOT looking to get drunk:

Appetizers/finger food

Pastas/salads

Beer

Meat, with tequila

Meat, with meat (second and third courses)

Here, you'll get woozy, but it'll be a "carnicoma", not a drunken stupor.

On the left, you can vote for your favorite approach...

*This requires the plate-drink-simul-carry.  I've seen a lot of different techniques to accomplish this, and they seem to vary by hand size.  I'm working to assemble a tutorial of all I've come across.  If you happen to have a picture doing it, send it to me, and I'll make sure it gets included.

The "Backyard" Buffet

As summer approaches and backyard warriors unleash their "famous" recipes, remember the law of the buffet: WALK the buffet, RUN the plate.

A few things to consider with the Backyard Buffet:

• Corn on the cob takes up a lot of room on the plate, plan accordingly. Don't accidentally come across the corn at the end and, not having any room, plop it on top of everything else. That's a bush league move.
• If you're going to dress your burger, leave ample space on the plate to keep the bun open as you walk your plate through the line. I'd recommend going meat first in this case (unlike most other buffets), because you can open the bun, dress everything, close it, and THEN hit the rest of the buffet.
• Mixing hot and cold dishes on the same plate is up to you, but remember, it's a buffet... time is on your side.
• Speaking of time, be sure you know what's going on with the grill. You don't have to hover, but if a different course/meat is coming out later, a simple question keeps you from peaking too soon (see "The Butlered Buffet") on hot dogs, when sausages are coming in the next wave.

Two pieces of etiquette to consider:

• Don't insult the chef. If you don't like a particular marinade or dish, eat it. Most guys, especially, pick this one particular time of the year to care about cooking, so encourage your fellow man, don't tell him "You should taste myyyy buffalo wings! Those are reeeeally spicy!" What you'll get in return is something like "You should leave myyyy house, before I kick yooour butt!"
• BUS YOUR PLATE and cup. Nothing annoys your host more than leaving your plate wherever you were sitting when you decided to jump into the frisbee game.

Finally, I'd encourage you to mix it up with the buffet. You have a chance to try new things, new combinations, new plates. Take flavors you like from your friends and try to build on them yourself.

The Brazilian Steakhouse - The 80/10/30 Rule

Have you ever experienced the Brazilian Steakhouse (a.k.a. Churrascaria)?  It's meat served in the traditional Brazilian "gaucho" style.  Which loosely translated means you eat until you can't fit into your pants.  (A few links to excellent ones at the bottom of this post.)

You have a coaster at your place setting with one green and one red face.  When you turn the coaster to green, gauchos come to your table holding different cuts of meat on skewers (turn it back to red to make them stop).  Everything from top round steak to filet to sirloin to bacon-wrapped pork.  They place the point of the skewer next to your plate, hand you a small pair of tongs, and slowly cut your piece right off the skewer, which you catch with the tongs and put onto your plate.

That's the general idea.  Here's how it falls into a "buffet" category.  First off, while you might not be moving, it is a buffet in my mind, because it is an all-you-can-eat assortment of flavors coming directly to you (and let's face it, isn't that the ideal buffet anyway?).  Second, you can sample, you can pass on certain cuts (more on that later) and you never place an order.  Third, there is typically a large and beautiful salad bar that is meant to provide "variety" to your carnivorous decadence.  And that, my friends, is where it gets tricky.

Now, we start talking strategy.

I adhere to a few general rules in a place like this.

1. Flip to Green immediately.  Seriously.  You're here.  What are you waiting for?  Salad is for later.  No appetizers, get right to the meat.

2. Pass on anything non-cow.  The churrascaria style is traditionally extra salty; anything but beef becomes very dense and difficult to finish, and therefore a waste of your plate.

3. Focus on your pace and abide by the 80/10/30 rule.  Eat to about 80% capacity.  Take a deep breath.  Go for a quick walk around the salad bar.  REMEMBER TO WALK THE ENTIRE BUFFET before touching a plate.  Give yourself some leafy greens, nothing too filling.  Eat about 10% of your capacity on your salad.  Give it another quick rest.  You're good for another 30% on the meat.  I swear.  It works.  Now you're giving it 120%!

4. Dessert is optional.  Frankly, I believe that if you have room for dessert in a place like this, you misplayed your plate.

I've put the 80/10/30 rule to the test in a few different churrascarias, and it works perfectly.  Just when you think you're done, you surprise yourself.

Of course when you're done, you slip into a "carni-coma."  Hopefully, you're not driving home.

Excellent churrascaria in Philadelphia: Fogo de Chao

Excellent one in New York: Plataforma

Both noted as "favorites" of this blog

Eating for 3

My wife and I are pregnant. It's our first, I'm thrilled, and I have already started strategizing my new buffet approach.

Clearly, this part of the pregnancy adds a whole lot of new dynamics to my life, most important of which is that my strategy for running a buffet needs to change.

She has a love-hate relationship with food right now (as opposed to my love-love relationship). That means that if we were to both go to a buffet, I would have to pare back my own plate, and definitely not put anything on it that she's putting on hers, because without fail, she won't finish and I'll be compelled to polish off her plate (I hate an unfinished plate). So imagine the horror if I were to have taken a full serving of roasted red bliss potatoes and then have to eat hers too!

Instead, I see it more like splitting my own well-built plate over two dishes, putting on hers all the stuff I know she'll eat. Then, when she says "Oh God, I'm done. Please take this away," I'll be able to swoop right in and have managed a perfectly planned plate, just across two dishes.


Ok, I've got it figured out. BRING ON THE BABY!

Not a Buffet "Review" Site

I've searched the web and found a lot of places that review a buffet like a restaurant.   While this might be a handy way to try to start one's own "Zagat" guide, it's not what I'm doing here.

This blog is about strategy and striving for your dreams.  And destroying a buffet.

I actually resent the idea that "The All You Can Eat Buffet is NOT a Challenge."  Personally, though not a competitive eater, I see buffets as a chance to flex my eating muscles and push myself to achieve buffet greatness.

I fully expect to waddle away fat, happy, and sweating.  So, eat it.

2-hour buffet

I heard of the 2-hour buffet for the first time this weekend.  Apparently, these are places where you plop down a few bucks and get unlimited drinks and food for 2 hours.

I need to find one.  I need to test these theories.  I need to learn how to "run the buffet" at the 2-hour buffet.

If you've heard of one, or know where to find one, please comment!  I will "research" and report my findings... 

The Butlered Buffet

If you really think about it, servers walking around with appetizers/finger food is a form of buffet.  You can choose your own portions (if you're gutsy) and build a plate, just like a buffet.  You're probably balancing a drink and a napkin too.

So, the same rules should apply:

1. Here, "walking the buffet" is done more stealthily.  As you walk through the room, notice what people have on their plates.  If you see lots of half-eaten things, steer clear.  If you see just empty skewers, go for whatever was on those skewers!  Of course, don't be afraid to chat up a server and ask what else is coming from the kitchen today.  It's an important part of building your plate, and therefore "running the butlered buffet."

2. Positioning counts.  Get near the kitchen to get it hot and get it early.

3. Make friends with the server who has your favorite dish.  Make sure they know to find you when they have a few left and want to get back to the kitchen to refill.

4. Avoid anything that involves silverware unless you have mastered the one hand drink/plate handle (video coming in future post), or you aren't drinking.  If you have to park at a table, you run the risk of not being able to flow with the food.

ADVANCED TECHNIQUE: Ask your favorite server what's for the main course (if there is one), and you can start planning your plate NOW.  If you don't like what's on the main course, get a friend next to you to take one of everything you take from the server and put it on your plate when they walk away.  Look, it's your meal, nobody is looking out for it but you.

"Fat Chance" - a Starter's Guide

A few time-honored buffet tricks that will raise your Buffet I.Q. right from the word "eat."

1. WALK THE BUFFET.  Never, never, never take your plate at the beginning of the line without knowing the entire contents of the buffet.  I cannot stress this enough.  It provides for proper planning, and is a bare minimum for running the buffet.

2. WALK THE BUFFET.  It's so important, it's worth saying it twice.  Easy way to do it: start at the last dish and walk backwards down the buffet until you get to the plates.  Nobody could tell that you were eye-ing up the roasted potatoes, and you didn't waste a chance to be further up in line and get hotter food.

3. Silverware in the pocket.  If you get silverware wrapped in a napkin at the start of the buffet line, put it in your pocket (or for advanced users, behind your ear) so you can free both hands up.

4. Don't be afraid to wave off the server or ask for more.  It's your plate; build it properly.  If you want a second helping, just leave the plate there until the server gets the hint.

5. Notice that the lower quality filling stuff is more likely to be closer to the beginning of the line.  That's to fill you up and make the kitchen refill the expensive (tastier) stuff less.  Don't fall for this common "rookie mistake."

6. Until you learn how to balance both (coming in a later post), leave the drink with someone you trust, at a secured place setting, or wait until you have your plate to get it in the first place.  The last one can be risky, because it requires you abandoning your plate to go get a drink (unless you're at a restaurant), which can either get bussed or poached by a hungry friend.

The 2 kinds of Buffets

There are 2 basic kinds of buffets that I'm going to talk about:

1. Dining Establishment buffets: These range from seafood bars to casinos to rodizios to Pizza Hut lunch buffets to restaurant brunches.  In these cases, the emphasis will not be providing a detailed account of all of the food options and prices of the particular establishments in question, rather a chance to discuss how you approach different categories of buffet with different goals in mind.  You have paid for the food in these cases, which adds an additional layer of "responsibility" on the eater to make sure you Run the Buffet (remember, not about eating the most, it's about building the best possible plates).

2. Non-paid buffets: These range from wedding buffets to corporate parties to Easter at Grandmom's to large barbeques with friends.  Here, your focus is probably on tasting and trying different things, sampling everyone's work (if the food was homemade) and building the best plate possible.  Equally important to Run the Buffet, but you'll do it differently.

Of course, we're going to share tips on not only strategy but the best places to actually practice this, pictures of fun buffet experiences, and even experimenting with plate combinations that you've found were unexpectedly tasty.

"Running the Buffet" - a Philosophy

A buffet is many things to many people.  To me, it's a chance to learn more about what I like and what I don't like.  To experiment, to make new combinations and enjoy new flavors.  It affords you the flexibility to taste many things without being tied down to an entree.  Or, for a meal buffet, it gives you the chance to proportion your plate in a way the kitchen never would.  You want all starches? You got it.

But I see far too many people miss their chance to "run the buffet."  I take this term loosely from "run your plate" in the 1986 movie Fatso.  For me, "running the buffet" means "getting the ideal quantity and quality for my dining experience out of the options presented."

It involves a little bit of planning, and a little foresight, and also knowing what your tastes are, but it's always, ALWAYS worth it.  You never want to feel like "I could have played that buffet better.  I loaded up on the potatoes and missed out on the pasta."  Or, "breakfast was good, but this is a brunch, and I totally overate without regard for the chance of lunch as a second course."

There are many ways to plan a plate, and many ways to run the buffet.  This blog is a forum for yours and mine.  I'd like to learn more...

There IS a right way to Run the Buffet

Picture this: You're at a wedding and the appetizer buffet is revealed.  You just finished your 10 minute wait in line to get your drink, and now you're down to only one hand and an open buffet.  Obediently, you get in line behind the rest of the guests, see the antipasta and get excited.  You're halfway down the buffet and your plate is full.  Your drink, which you set down on a table both to reserve your seat and to free up a hand (rookie move) has been bussed by the eager high schooler looking to make a good impression on the kitchen.  Score: Wedding-2, You-0.

There IS a right way to Run the Buffet.  But my way (honed after hundreds of buffets) isn't the only way.  I want to hear yours.  And your favorite buffets around the country.  Common pitfalls.  How to know when to lay down and take a nap.  How to approach the infamous "Around the World" buffet at a Vegas casino.

So, share your success stories.  Tell the world how, where, and why you Run the Buffet...

C'mon in. Dinner's served.