The 5 Stages of Meat Grief

When properly assaulting a Brazilian BBQ Buffet, you will go through the following 5 stages of Meat Grief. Know them well, and they will be your sherpa on your journey to the top of Mt. Carnassus. (If you have never hit up a Brazilian BBQ Buffet, read the 80/10/30 primer here.)

Stage 1: "The world is my calf" - with unbounded hunger and a strong jaw you think you can literally eat the person next to you and still have room to never go "red" until they run out of meat.

Stage 2: "What's this? I feel mortal!" - The servers were laughing at you during Stage 1, because they knew your brain would eventually start firing "we're running out of places to put this stuff" signals through your body and to the tips of your swelling fingers.

Stage 3: "Heartbreak Hill" - Oh Jesus it came faster than you thought. It's only been, wait, how long have I been here? You can't really read your watch because your vision is starting to blur and you've been sweating now for at least the last 3 plates. This is when you'll see your comrades leaning back, rubbing their eyes and temples, and muttering to themselves.

This is when you get up, take a lap, and hit the salad bar for your 10%!

Stage 4: "You got any crab cakes?" - Renewed by your leafy greens and tv timeout, your stomach has magically grown and is ready for more. You feel that optimism from Stage 1 start to creep back in, and then...

Stage 5: "WHAM!" - Done. No no. Put down the fork, you're done. Step away from the gristle and fat, it's over.

Reading Terminal: The Indoor Buffet

Went to the Philadelphia Car Show a few weeks ago and ended up at Reading Terminal, a huge indoor market with all sorts of food.  It was lunchtime on a Saturday, so it was understandably packed.  Lines for all the major counters were long, and my stomach was growling.

Now, it dawned on me that the indoor market is very much like a "pay by the plate" buffet (which I have yet to do a full review on), only instead of the food being all in one section, it's housed all in one room.  When this hit me, it occurred to me that I needed to abide by the fundamental law of running the buffet: Walk the Buffet First.

That's when another idea hit me.  The rest of my party was standing in line at our favorite place to get roast pork, a Reading Terminal delicacy only enjoyed after the car show (see photo of Tommy DiNiC's)... while I was walking I thought of the "pre-lunch snack."

I stopped at Franks-a-lot (clever name for a hot dog place?) and got a hot dog, to tide me over for the wait for the pork sandwich.  Knowing that the rest of my party was in line, it would be selfish to get only one hot dog, and I brought the idea (and the dogs) to the attention of my fellow eaters.

I realized that I just "worked the buffet." But "How does this relate to the standard buffet," you ask...

Advanced Technique: next time you hit a buffet with a long line, take your first item for your dish and start snacking on it while in line.  This appeases the growling stomach (to help you be more level-headed when building the rest of your plate), and also allows for more room on your plate by the time you get to the later stations.

The Family Dinner Buffet - Making Pizza

Made pizza with the family for Valentine's Day, and here were the toppings to choose from:

-Asiago cheese

-Fontina cheese

-Reggiano Parmesan

-Sliced mozzarella

-Smoked mussels

-Bacon

-Soojookh (Armenian homemade hot sausage)

-Marinated mushrooms

-Olives

-Basil

-Carmelized onions

-Grilled zucchini and grilled eggplant

-Roasted red peppers

10 people, 10 personalities, 10 pizzas... all very different.  Here was my approach:  After surveying the scene, I knew that I couldn't possibly take on all of those flavors on one pizza.  Here, like any good buffet, building the pizza was exactly the same as building the plate: go with complementary flavors, and pick a horse and run with it.  You have to get over the feeling of "loss" that you're not going to be able to eat every single flavor, and go with the one that will give you the most joy at the time.  For me, that was picking the foods I don't normally eat.  So I went "meat-lovers."

My pizza:

1. I sprinkled Asiago cheese around the outside of my dough, then dabbed water just inside that cheese line, and folded over the edge of the dough to make a "stuffed crust".... did I come up with that idea? No, fast food pizzerias did.  Did I crush it? Yessir.

2. Chunky pizza sauce (great job to my mother on an excellent sauce)

3. Carmelized onions (45% density)

4. Crumbled bacon (10% density)

5. Soojookh (5% density)

6. Marinated mushrooms (25% density)

7. Smoked mussels (10% density)

8. Reggiano parmesan (40% density)

9. Asiago cheese (30% density)

Gorgeous.  It was smokey, meaty, flavorful and well-balanced.  I'm not tooting my own horn, but I do feel my somewhat unhealthy obsession with thinking about and planning my buffet "attack" was perfect preparation for this pizza.

There were some other stellar pizzas that day, this was just one example.

Another road was to make multiple pizzas in one pie, if you couldn't make up your mind.   Now, this is like making multiple plates at a buffet, so you can't fault the approach, and a creative way to work the buffet from a different angle.  See "The Salad Bar" for tips on creating dividers like this person did with crust (yes, this person is a Mercedes driver... or a member of the Peace Corps, I can't remember which). 

So with the ingredients above, how would you do it?

Keeping a fork at the ready

Walking around my Super Bowl buffet it became apparent that I was going to need to attack in stages.  Here was my approach:

1. Bowl of chili; sprinkled shredded cheese in there and dropped in a piece of sweet cornbread... oh man.

-Immediately afterwards-

2. Veggies w/ a little bit of dip (cleanse the palette)

-Immediately afterward-

3. Grab a Miller High Life (pony size; didn't want to go full size yet)

-5 minutes-

4. Slice of bruscetta/pizza (wasn't worth it), broccoli rabe, sausage (definitely worth it)

-15 minutes-

5. Open face clam & bacon sandwich (oh god this was amazing... the bread soaked up the juice...)

-Grab a beer-

6. Soft pretzel dipped in the cheese/crab dip that was intended for veggies; then more veggies

-15 minutes-

7. Dessert: brownie, slice of apple cake, a few cookies, another brownie

So you'll notice that I was spacing out my eating (and touching multiple food groups).  Well, I didn't want to be wasteful, so even though I changed plates between foods that did particular damage to my eating surface, I kept the fork with me at all times.  In fact, I put it in the one place I knew I wouldn't lose it.....

See? Eating like an animal can be good for the earth too. 

MASTER CLASS: Holding a cup of soup and a dinner plate

Proper form for carrying a bowl of soup with your first dinner serving.

When to use: when the buffet is young and the lines are long; a quick cup of soup is hot now, enjoy it and Round 1 before your second trip.

How to do it: Get your soup and saucer, and place your fourth and fifth fingers under the saucer, in the center.  Move your third finger to the side of the saucer, still underneath it, for lateral support.  With your free hand, add the empty plate resting on top of the cup of soup, and supported laterally by your second finger.  Build your plate with your free hand (while impressing the other people in the buffet), then use your thumb as control for the plate not falling off the cup.

KEY: Doesn't work without the saucer

Degree of difficulty: 4 out of 5

Degree of security: 3 out of 5

Happy Hollandaise

A few rules as you approach the buffet this year:

1. Just eat.  Don't hurt yourself, but the holidays are not a time to be watching your weight, or counting your calories.  Enjoy the season for what it is: family, food and fun.

2. That world-famous pie/cookie/tart/etc. probably isn't going to taste like that forever; eventually your aunt will stop making it, and you'll be toast.  So eat as much as you can and savor the flavor.

3. Lamb is for Easter, beef is for Christmas.  And New Year's.  And about 349 other days a year.

4. Enjoy the Hollandaise... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollandaise_sauce

Thanksgiving, the ultimate buffet

So, I was hoping to write this before Thanksgiving, so you would have a chance to build your approach to the ultimate buffet ever: Thanksgiving dinner. If your Thanksgiving dinner is anything like my family's, it starts around 3:00 and ends when you pass out. Turkey is not really even the centerpiece, though you have the obligatory serving for tradition's sake.

This year, I ended up with two Thanksgivings, a brunch with my immediate family, and a dinner with my extended family. Both were remarkable spreads, and both required some thought... and both left me stuffed like a Tur-duck-en.

In the end, I'll confess I didn't really learn anything new about my buffet technique, or about my palatte, but I did reflect on the 3 F's that make Thanksgiving so special: Family, Food and Football (yes, in that order).

Happy Thanksgiving, from my stomach to yours.